10110011101100001 etc

Every one of our idiosynchrasies had its own software. Thinks The Whole World Is Out To Get Him 4.0, Hates Your Ugly Face 5.2, & Laughs Incessantly To Keep From Crying 5.7 were only a few. That awful sucking sound that your husband made while eating was more than likely the invention of some overpaid computer geek. Human qualities that we perceived as being sinister, corrupt, or just impractical were all a part of the landscape. One of the things that made **am's job so irritating was always having to search for unknown titles of books. What no one knew was that the books were never given titles. Search engines were programmed to create titles from the criteria that was entered into them. It was never incidental. What we saw was what was there- there was no forest, only trees.

help yourself to some nothing

The guy must have been tailgating S**ve for at least 2 blocks. **eve swerved abruptly into the next lane while lowering his window. As soon as the man was within earshot of St**e, he shouted into the guy's open window. "Hey! You win!! Help yourself to some Nothing!" Then he gave the guy the 1-800 number that would allow him to collect his prize. What the man had taken for Sarcasm was actually quite generous. Later, he was pleased to discover that although his prize was Nothing, it was a rather large quantity of it.

you are incomplete

One of the girls, Kathy, was reading Let's Face It, Men Are S@#t by Joseph W. Rock & Barry L. Duncan, while the other girls read celebrity gossip magazines. Kathy looked at the other girls while throwing the book down on her desk. "Let's face it! Men are s@#t!" she exclaimed. Another girl, Desiree, wrinkled her forehead and replied, "I don't know. I feel incomplete if I don't have a man." E**, whose face had been buried in her laptop, looked directly at & pointed at Desiree's prosthetic right leg. She had lost her leg years ago in a nearly fatal automobile accident. "Yeah, but you are incomplete," said **e. The girls laughed & returned to their reading.

bloody hell

S*ev* knew there had to be more to the guy than what everyone saw. He might not even be human- programmed by our own gov't to do something that absurd. The man stood abt 5'6, probably weighed 160 lbs, had a mop-top haircut that completely covered his eyes, a lit cigarette perpetually hanging from his lips, always wore a long gray trenchcoat, and kept one hand in his pocket while the other held a cup of coffee still billowing smoke. The role he played reminded one of Bong Boy- for anyone familiar w/ the Upright Citizen's Brigade. He would neither offer solutions nor exacerbate the situation. But smoking a bong would have been more proactive. This gentleman would show up at the scene of any tragedy or disaster. It could be a terrorist attack, a domestic squabble, or an armed robbery. He would appear only to observe for a brief second (we could only assume that his hair did not hinder observation,) then exclaim in a thick Cockney accent, "Bloody hell!" After that, the man would wander off out of sight. If *te** had met *da* at that point, he would have heard the story abt how the man had appeared at the scene of a 3-car pileup & said "Blood" twice before his head exploded. Immediately, another man looking exactly like him had appeared, let an audible yet subtle "Bloody hell!," then quickly disappeared.

it's over

So there was this show called Super Awesome Pop Star that featured young, "attractive" people singing "popular" songs. Just as everyone was beginning to lose interest, the show threw a curve ball. They featured an older, overweight, unattractive woman who could outsing all of the previous contestants who had been on the show. No one but **am understood the significance of this woman. Super Awesome Pop Star was trying to tell the American public that it was over.

brave new sex

Decades of social conditioning had produced bizarre abberrations in people's sexuality. For women, sexual fulfillment came from a practice that was known as "charging it," & consisted of sliding a debit card up & down the slit of one's vagina while exclaiming, "Wee-yoo!!," thereby invoking the sound of a cash register. For men, gelding was the fashion, since the penis had been replaced by the debit card. Women were therefore the only gender that purchased pornography, which consisted of someone going through a shopping mall w/ a digital camera & making various high-dollar purchases at each of the stores. There were only two men who had retained their testicles. This was more of a testament to their inability to adhere to fashion than anything to do w/ virility. Their names were **am & St**e. A girl named *v* was the only woman left whose clitoris had not atrophied from lack of use.

smile

Although we are all equally capable of malice; acts of cruelty, when committed by those who are aesthetically pleasing, tend to be inoffensive. I can think of worse things than being stabbed to death by a beautiful debutante. So before you exclaim, "Oh the humanity!," ask yourself- "Couldn't I just as easily say, 'Oh how precious!' ?"

moment of zen (yesterday)

Helping a sweet little old lady find a book that would tell her how to save her poetry on a new laptop. Just when you think you are becoming a monster like everyone else. She reminded me of my own grandmother, who was just learning to send e-mail when dementia got the best of her. She never would have written poetry; she thought she was too stupid. Of course she didn't have to- she was poetry.

knowing is half the battle

"Excuse me. Do you have War & Peace? Rutabaga."

*d*m knew the score. He knew the score because he was on the Internet.

"Yes, we have War & Peace."

He had seen the top-secret videos on YouTube.

"Yes, but do you have War & Peace Rutabaga?"

Underground training labs where our own gov't trained people to be more difficult. It was rather impressive.

"No, I'm afraid we don't have War & Peace Rutabaga."

"Perfect. That's just what I was looking for."

Knowing made **am's job slightly less antagonizing. But knowing is half the battle.

"I'm sorry. What were you looking for?"

"Exactly."

excerpt from Elvis: What Happened? by Red West, Sonny West, and Dave Hebler

"Anyway, we are driving back from Arizona. Now in those days many of us used to follow Elvis in popping those damn amphetamines just to keep us high. But, I swear, on this day I hadn't taken a thing. I was very straight. Now we are talking about some of this heavy psychic stuff, and Elvis is talking about how he believed he was destined to do something very big in his life apart from show business. I'm agreeing with him. Anyway, suddenly just to show me what he is talking about, he says, 'Hold on, Red, stop the trailer. Look up there, see what I mean?' Anyway, I look up and I'll be a sonofabitch. There is a giant cloud formation above us, and I don't know whether it was auto-suggestion or what, but this cloud formation is formed in the shape of two very definite likenesses of two heads. One was Elvis Presley and one was Joseph Stalin."